(B)Rainstorm

So. Da ich momentan irgendwie keine Zeit finde kommt jetzt auf die Schnelle der gute alte Stream of Counsciousness. Einfach als Lebenszeichen.
ENJOY.

Ja. Taylor Swift. Sowas passiert wenn es tagelang regnet! Und was passiert nicht?
Dass ich in die Bibliothek gehe. Da sind mir heute eindeutig zu viele bessere
und fast genauso produktive Alternativen eingefallen. Muss eh morgen und Dienstag hin.
Und da regnet es ja wohl hoffentlich nicht mehr!
#**!!?´´%§

Metaphorisch bin ich die Katze und die Schüssel ist der Juni.
KINDER wie kann es sein, dass die Zeit so schnell rum geht?!
In ein paar Tagen wache ich auf und bin 44 und keine 22!

 

 

So, und jetzt nochmal ein paar Fragen an die Allgemeinheit, welche sich mir im Laufe der letzten Woche aufgeworfen haben:

1. Warum haben Handys die in der Bibliothek klingeln immer solche piepsenden Klingeltöne aus dem letzten Jahrhundert? Sind Menschen die in die Bibliothek gehen auch die, die mit Backsteinhandys rumlaufen? Und machen die das aus Protest oder weil es ja doch wieder hip ist oder..?!

 

2. Wann war die Konferenz bei der alle "Männer" beschlossen haben, dass "Ich hab mich total verändert, ich bin jetzt eine ganz andere Person und hab ganz andere Prioritäten" die wahrscheinlich beste Aussage ist um alte Bekannte ins Bett zu kriegen? Und wer hat das Herz den armen Kerlen zu erklären, dass das bei jedem annähernd intelligenten Mädchen bestenfalls ein müdes Lächeln hervorruft?

3. Wo ist die Sonne?

4. Kaufe ich mir eine neue Handyhülle? Nur weil die alte langsam auseinander fällt?

5. Glauben diese Menschen die Bilder von Kindern mit Tumoren im Gesicht und irgendwelchen toten/misshandelten Tieren bei Facebook posten wirklich, dass sie damit irgendetwas bewirken? Mal von starkem Ekelgefühl auf meiner Seite? Es gibt viel Scheiße auf der Welt und viele Wege etwas Gutes zu tun. Das ist keiner davon.

Let's talk, not speak.

I knew this song before The Great Gatsby.
Before Somebody That I Used To Know even.
Just saying. It's better anyway.

Pick apart the pieces of your heart
Let me peer inside
Let me in where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind as you do mine

You've lost too much love
to fear, doubt, and distrust not enough
You just threw away the key to your heart
You don't get burned 'cause nothing gets through
It makes it easier easier on you
That much more difficult for me
To make you see

Love ain't fair
So there you are, my love

Your heart's a mess
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But I'm desperate to connect
And you can't live like this

Love ain't safe
You won't get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I don't want to waste my love

Some concepts are hard to grasp. Like loneliness. And that being alone does not mean being lonely. Quite the opposite. The worst kind of loneliness you never experience when you are alone. Much rather when someone is physically close to you, but you feel with every fibre of your being that this person is actually so incredibly far away, so untouchable, shut away behind walls so thick you were not even heard if you screamed your heart out. That is the kind of lonely that hurts so much tears your seams.
I have been there. When I think back to these times it makes me marvel about the kind of pain you can endure without taking physical damage. It sort of gives me strength. Realizing from what kind of emotional and irrational mess I came and how I keep my shit together most of the time now.
I guess being perceived as cold, rational and unwilling to be taken over by any kind of emotion is what you get for years of continually falling apart and then swearing to yourself to never ever go there again. That place still exists in me though. I know that I am still able to spiral my way back into this black hole of self-pity and melodrama. Sometimes I grant myself a glance there, dipping my toe in, staying in bed for one day and crying and crying about how my mother is so heartless and nobody I love loves me or will ever love me and the world being so cruel to me and - you get the general idea.
Today I have been told that I should not think this way and that these kind of things can never be planned, and yes, I agree. But still, it is quite probable that I will stay single for the next two years or so considering my plans about going to England and all.
Which is sort of an.. uncomfortable thought. I do not mean to say that I am lonely or had it in mind to find my future husband in this time, it just feels awkward knowing that it will not even happen by chance, without me looking for it. That if I meet someone I will most certainly try to talk it out of myself because it would be indefinitely stupid. Which will of course make me want it even more. Like when you start a diet and suddenly crave food more than anything in the world, certainly more than you would if you were not on that diet. So I will get in over my head and get my heart broken all over again and there is absolutely nothing I could do about it. It's irritating beyond belief.
And yes, go on and tell me about how - again - I am overthinking. But these kind of thoughts just flash through my mind in an instant, it is not like I sit there making plans about this even if it might sound like it. It plays out inside my head in mere seconds (such epiphanies are not as easily explained as had). What lingers is a feeling of slight nausea. The last person I want to hear ''I told you so!'' from is myself after all.
Guess it will be best to keep an open mind. Become the best version of myself. (Though I can say that even though nobody seems to realize: I am quite awesome already. Seriously. Why does nobody see that?! The fact that I know that and that I am able to articulate it.. I've mastered plenty of my demons.)
So I go back to my attitude of being willing to meet new people out of sheer curiosity (CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT THOUGH, don't I know?? But lets not be bitter.). And I will not grow hard hearted or frustrated or take it personally that I repeatedly get my teeth kicked in. As I was told: That is just bad luck and the future holds greatness for me. Wisely spoken, good friend.

Glück in Flaschen. Prost.

I see you in my sleep.

 I know you're a fighter
But you never fought for me when I was a shelter
So you're not heading home to me

We could be closer
We could be

When it's just us
You show me what it feels like to be lonely

You show me what it feels like to be lost
I take your hand for

you to let it go

Komisch wie Träume manchmal nachhallen. Man weiß, dass es nur dem eigenen Kopf entstammt - Liebe Grüße aus dem Unterbewusstsein - aber abschütteln lässt es sich in einigen Fällen trotzdem nicht.
Kein Wunder verdienen clevere Menschen Unsummen mit Traumdeutung und solchen Geschichten. Ich habe oft genug die merkwürdigsten Träume. Auch nicht immer Albträume. Ab und zu ist mein Unterbewusstsein da nicht besonders kryptisch im verschlüsseln der Botschaften. Fast ein bisschen enttäuschend wie einfallslos und plump das dann daherkommt. Dafür kommt auch ab und an ein Morgen an dem ich aufwache und mir denke: ...Was. Zur. Hölle. ???.
Jedenfalls hat dieses Wochenende ein Traum einen ganz schön heftigen Nachgeschmack hinterlassen. Irgendwas zwischen Enttäuschung, Frustration und Sehnsucht. Dabei war es nur eine Spiegelung der realen Situation, keiner von den nebulösen Bilderströmen bei denen man nicht weiß, wie man sie deuten soll. Ich weiß wo es herkam. War auch plastisch genug.
Ungewöhnlich allerdings, für mich, so von einer konkreten Person zu träumen. Ich mag das nicht.

Memo to self:    STOP that. Thank you.

Clinging to me
Like a last breath you would breathe
You were like home to me
I don't recognize this street
Please don't close your eyes
Don't know where to look without them
Outside the cars speed by

I've never heard them until now
I know you care
I know it is always been there
But there is trouble ahead I can feel it
You were just saving yourself when you hide it
Yeah I know you care
I see it in the way you stare
As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin
And I know you care

I used to run down the stairs
To the door and I thought you were there
To shape to comfort of us
Two lovers locked out of love
Oh, but I know you care
I know it is always been there
But there is trouble ahead I can feel it
You were just saving yourself when you hide it
Yeah I know you care
I see it in the way you stare
As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin

I know it wasn't always wrong
But i've never known a winter so cold
No I don't warm my hands in your coat
But I still hope
Cause this is how things ought to have been
And I know the words are there
Wasn't all that it seemed
Why can't I dream
Cause I know you care
And I know you care
I know you care
I know you care
I know it's always been there