I knew this song before The Great Gatsby.
Before Somebody That I Used To Know even.
Just saying. It's better anyway.
Pick apart the pieces of your heart
Let me peer inside
Let me in where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind as you do mine
You've lost too much love
to fear, doubt, and distrust not enough
You just threw away the key to your heart
You don't get burned 'cause nothing gets through
It makes it easier easier on you
That much more difficult for me
To make you see
Love ain't fair
So there you are, my love
Your heart's a mess
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But I'm desperate to connect
And you can't live like this
Love ain't safe
You won't get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I don't want to waste my love
Some concepts are hard to grasp. Like loneliness. And that being alone does not mean being lonely. Quite the opposite. The worst kind of loneliness you never experience when you are alone. Much rather when someone is physically close to you, but you feel with every fibre of your being that this person is actually so incredibly far away, so untouchable, shut away behind walls so thick you were not even heard if you screamed your heart out. That is the kind of lonely that hurts so much tears your seams.
I have been there. When I think back to these times it makes me marvel about the kind of pain you can endure without taking physical damage. It sort of gives me strength. Realizing from what kind of emotional and irrational mess I came and how I keep my shit together most of the time now.
I guess being perceived as cold, rational and unwilling to be taken over by any kind of emotion is what you get for years of continually falling apart and then swearing to yourself to never ever go there again. That place still exists in me though. I know that I am still able to spiral my way back into this black hole of self-pity and melodrama. Sometimes I grant myself a glance there, dipping my toe in, staying in bed for one day and crying and crying about how my mother is so heartless and nobody I love loves me or will ever love me and the world being so cruel to me and - you get the general idea.
Today I have been told that I should not think this way and that these kind of things can never be planned, and yes, I agree. But still, it is quite probable that I will stay single for the next two years or so considering my plans about going to England and all.
Which is sort of an.. uncomfortable thought. I do not mean to say that I am lonely or had it in mind to find my future husband in this time, it just feels awkward knowing that it will not even happen by chance, without me looking for it. That if I meet someone I will most certainly try to talk it out of myself because it would be indefinitely stupid. Which will of course make me want it even more. Like when you start a diet and suddenly crave food more than anything in the world, certainly more than you would if you were not on that diet. So I will get in over my head and get my heart broken all over again and there is absolutely nothing I could do about it. It's irritating beyond belief.
And yes, go on and tell me about how - again - I am overthinking. But these kind of thoughts just flash through my mind in an instant, it is not like I sit there making plans about this even if it might sound like it. It plays out inside my head in mere seconds (such epiphanies are not as easily explained as had). What lingers is a feeling of slight nausea. The last person I want to hear ''I told you so!'' from is myself after all.
Guess it will be best to keep an open mind. Become the best version of myself. (Though I can say that even though nobody seems to realize: I am quite awesome already. Seriously. Why does nobody see that?! The fact that I know that and that I am able to articulate it.. I've mastered plenty of my demons.)
So I go back to my attitude of being willing to meet new people out of sheer curiosity (CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT THOUGH, don't I know?? But lets not be bitter.). And I will not grow hard hearted or frustrated or take it personally that I repeatedly get my teeth kicked in. As I was told: That is just bad luck and the future holds greatness for me. Wisely spoken, good friend.
Let me peer inside
Let me in where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind as you do mine
You've lost too much love
to fear, doubt, and distrust not enough
You just threw away the key to your heart
You don't get burned 'cause nothing gets through
It makes it easier easier on you
That much more difficult for me
To make you see
Love ain't fair
So there you are, my love
Your heart's a mess
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But I'm desperate to connect
And you can't live like this
Love ain't safe
You won't get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I don't want to waste my love
Some concepts are hard to grasp. Like loneliness. And that being alone does not mean being lonely. Quite the opposite. The worst kind of loneliness you never experience when you are alone. Much rather when someone is physically close to you, but you feel with every fibre of your being that this person is actually so incredibly far away, so untouchable, shut away behind walls so thick you were not even heard if you screamed your heart out. That is the kind of lonely that hurts so much tears your seams.
I have been there. When I think back to these times it makes me marvel about the kind of pain you can endure without taking physical damage. It sort of gives me strength. Realizing from what kind of emotional and irrational mess I came and how I keep my shit together most of the time now.
I guess being perceived as cold, rational and unwilling to be taken over by any kind of emotion is what you get for years of continually falling apart and then swearing to yourself to never ever go there again. That place still exists in me though. I know that I am still able to spiral my way back into this black hole of self-pity and melodrama. Sometimes I grant myself a glance there, dipping my toe in, staying in bed for one day and crying and crying about how my mother is so heartless and nobody I love loves me or will ever love me and the world being so cruel to me and - you get the general idea.
Today I have been told that I should not think this way and that these kind of things can never be planned, and yes, I agree. But still, it is quite probable that I will stay single for the next two years or so considering my plans about going to England and all.
Which is sort of an.. uncomfortable thought. I do not mean to say that I am lonely or had it in mind to find my future husband in this time, it just feels awkward knowing that it will not even happen by chance, without me looking for it. That if I meet someone I will most certainly try to talk it out of myself because it would be indefinitely stupid. Which will of course make me want it even more. Like when you start a diet and suddenly crave food more than anything in the world, certainly more than you would if you were not on that diet. So I will get in over my head and get my heart broken all over again and there is absolutely nothing I could do about it. It's irritating beyond belief.
And yes, go on and tell me about how - again - I am overthinking. But these kind of thoughts just flash through my mind in an instant, it is not like I sit there making plans about this even if it might sound like it. It plays out inside my head in mere seconds (such epiphanies are not as easily explained as had). What lingers is a feeling of slight nausea. The last person I want to hear ''I told you so!'' from is myself after all.
Guess it will be best to keep an open mind. Become the best version of myself. (Though I can say that even though nobody seems to realize: I am quite awesome already. Seriously. Why does nobody see that?! The fact that I know that and that I am able to articulate it.. I've mastered plenty of my demons.)
So I go back to my attitude of being willing to meet new people out of sheer curiosity (CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT THOUGH, don't I know?? But lets not be bitter.). And I will not grow hard hearted or frustrated or take it personally that I repeatedly get my teeth kicked in. As I was told: That is just bad luck and the future holds greatness for me. Wisely spoken, good friend.
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