The tearing from within

I need to say this in english because my head hurts and things are easier put in words this way.
There generally is a lot of pressure from the outside lately, concerning my not being good enough at whatever it is that I dare touch as well as my seemingly dark future. 
Usually that sort of thing makes me defiant beyond imagination, which would actually not be so bad because it gives me some sort of motivation to prove the opposite. But over the last few days it just sort of nourished this nagging feeling, the one that sits in my ribcage and tugs at my lungs, making me feel terribly hollow.
I just can't stop my head from spinning like crazy. There are countless things that I should have done already or be doing right now or at least have planned for the near future. It consumes me, and it is exhausting as fuck if I dare say so. Because for some inexplicable reason it seems to suck out all the energy in me. I am paralysed.
I keep remembering this dream that I had years ago, that I try to run from something that I am terribly scared of, but my body moves in slow-motion and it feels like it costs immense effort to just lift my foot, though this thing is coming nearer really fast - and when my fear becomes unbearable and I don't even have enough power left to cry, I wake up. I must have been about 8 or 9 when I had this dream and I still remember how cramped it made me feel. When I was at home some days ago, I watched a horror movie, and there was a line that really stuck to my head: There are things that you remember, and there are things that you cannot forget. I think this dream might be one of the second group.
However, I seriously hope that this feeling will give way to happier thoughts soon. Because I do not believe that this kind of attitude will get me places. No one ever likes the unappreciative, whiny girls.
So tonight I will go out partying, and I will slap on my best plastic smile and try to shake it off for a moment. What was that smart phrase? "..weil Delfine und Mädchen lächeln immer." It's all about how effectively you sell yourself, either way.
I feel like talking about what you really feel has been outdated quite a while - except of course you spend a fortune for a psychologist and talk about how therapy really changed your life. It's so messed up somehow. Depression and all kinds of burnout seem to be the new trend for everyone who feels really important, but those people with real problems have neither time, nor money to afford such luxury illnesses.
Don't get me wrong, I do not think that I am depressive or have 'real problems', and for what it's worth I try not to bitch about my life in front of others too much - exept here, call it my bitching zone if you will. But I don't know where to put all this shit budging in my head either. Which sucks, basically.
And to be honest, there is no person out there on whom I would really like to dump this whole mess. They could not understand, I could not stop crying, no one could handle the situation and no one would like to look at me ever again after such weirdness. 
Therefore I will now shut it and try to get a grip.